Changing appearances

I shaved off my beard and eyebrows last week. I had been looking in the mirror and feeling a disconnect between my inner self and the reflection looking back at me; it’s just like when my hair grows past the point where my pattern baldness is visible in my shadow. I’m sure I’ve discussed this here before, but I’ve always preferred the clean aesthetic of a completely shaved head, and something about a fresh shave gives me a confidence boost. It’s also a part of my appearance I can control to some extent.

Honestly, the beard was beginning to feel like a crutch: I’ve had one for the last seven years, partly to disguise a double chin, but it was also something to hide behind. I had also wanted to get rid of my eyebrows for a little while. I had seen a few friends on my social media who’ve done the look: there’s something alien or androgynous about it, especially combined with a bald head, and I wanted to see if I could pull it off. There are also more opportunities to play around with my presentation with a blank slate.

I was bullied in childhood, so I’ve learned long ago to avoid doing anything that makes me stand out in the crowd. Lately I’ve been feeling like I have free passes into some club where I still don’t feel like I really belong and don’t relate to any of the members. There’s the odd person I have some common ground with despite everything else, but for now I’m just playing along and hoping I don’t let my disguise slip.

Once again, I’m in the process of trying to figure out who I am, because I feel like there’s so much of myself that doesn’t fit; I just got used to wearing it.

Sometimes I wonder how at home I would feel in my body if I were assigned female at birth. I don’t think a lot of people think about this sort of thing, though. I can’t really imagine myself as a “girly girl” (for lack of a better term); I’d probably be more low-key femme-presenting, or still opting toward a more androgynous or genderqueer look. I’ve long been fascinated by very short hair or bald heads on women; combined with the right outfit, makeup (or lack thereof), and a little bit of “fuck it” swagger, there are a lot of people that look amazing like this. It stands out. Besides the aesthetic, there’s a transgressiveness to the look I admire, partially because long hair is so tied to femininity in society and partially because it’s not quite as accepted to the point of mundanity. Besides, I’ve met a lot of very cool women and AFAB enbies who’ve adopted the look (or embraced it when it wasn’t their choice in the matter).

I guess this sort of ties in with my recent survey about drastic changes in appearances. How do you know when your appearance no longer matches who you are?