A personal announcement
/I have a big announcement to make about myself.
I'm transgender. More specifically, I am a non-binary trans femme. Over the past few years I've come to realize that internally I feel like I'm between genders, but feel closer to being a woman than a man.
I've had these feelings for a while. I found a journal entry from February 2014 where I asked myself how people know they’re trans; there were also a few entries from two years later where I mentioned my gender issues. I was already starting to feel less comfortable describing myself as male, but at the time I wasn’t even out to my parents as queer yet and didn’t really feel ready to explore that alley further. This was also the year I spent a few months unemployed and a few more months working as a temp in a job I had unsuccessfully interviewed for, and I didn’t feel like my life was on stable enough ground to deal with the potential ramifications of coming out. As well, Donald Trump ended up winning the election that year; even though I live in Canada, I remember thinking that my chance to figure this out was never going to come.
I never really felt like masculinity fit me; it was more like I somehow had a free pass to a club that gave me certain privileges, but I would never really feel like I belonged there. It was the body and life of least resistance. Groups of men, particularly aggressively masculine-appearing young guys, always made me feel nervous; maybe it was a sense that they would detect that I wasn’t really one of them. I’ve also known many people who have come out as trans or non-binary over the years; there was something about their own journeys that resonated with me, even if I wasn’t ready to recognize it in myself. The ones who came out as trans men seemed to be more at home in their masculinity than I ever was, though.
I still noticed a number of small things that began to add up: how uncomfortable I felt in my work-friendly shirts. I touched on this feeling in a few blog posts before; as soon as I got home from the job, I couldn’t help but want to take my shirt off right away. I would see people include their pronouns online, but hesitated to put mine; while “he/him” no longer felt true, I wasn’t ready to make any declarations yet.
There were a few catalysts over the last year that really pushed me along my journey:
After a night out with friends in March 2019, I found I didn’t really want to go out much anymore. Part of it was the sense that the beers and socialization were taking too much out of me and I needed to recover for longer periods before I felt ready to be out with friends again; I was also trying to save some money for some much-needed vacations. Since I was drinking less, I no longer was as distracted from my own thoughts.
When I took my vacation in Montreal, I looked around a few bookstores; the experience reminded me of a woman I worked with a few years ago who had taken a similar trip and posted on her Instagram. I began to think of what she was doing at the time, but soon noticed that I was imagining myself as her.
Last year during Pride week, I went to a queer burlesque show that featured a number of trans and non-binary performers, as well as a number of people I knew in the audience. It felt good to be back out among the local queer community again, especially since I hadn’t really been to any shows or events for a long time (often due to combination of tight finances and depressive spells). While I didn’t make good on my plan to attend more events that week (marching in the parade during a brutal heat wave will sap all your energy), I felt reconnected to a part of myself for the first time in a while.
I kept wondering what kind of woman I would have been if I were assigned female at birth; I knew I would likely still be queer and possibly non-binary.. I don’t really think cisgender people really have these kinds of thoughts.
I realized these feelings weren't going away, and I had to start finding more definitive answers to who I was instead of continuing to play along like I was the person everyone assumed me to be. The growing feeling that I wasn’t male came to a head last fall, and when it really started gnawing at me, I confided about these feelings with a few friends. With their encouragement, I began exploring with wardrobe and makeup, and felt better about seeing my reflection in the mirror than I had in years.. A lot of my feelings in the past also began to make much more sense, even if I didn't recognize them at the time as gender dysphoria. I sought out a therapist who was knowledgeable about these issues (as well as a few others I’ve dealt with since childhood).
Being able to talk these feelings through really confirmed a lot for me, and I’ve decided to transition medically to feminize my body. My therapist has already sent a letter to my doctor confirming my readiness for hormone replacement therapy, and at present I am just waiting for an appointment with an endocrinologist.
A few weeks ago, I was going through some of my old clothes to donate, I opened a Rubbermaid container containing my shirts for the first time in months, and it hit me: I knew I never felt right in them, but didn’t fully understand why until now.
There are a number of resources on the internet that can give you a better explanation of what I was going through, particularly this article on Medium; not all the signs apply to me, but a number of them really do resonate hard.
Short answer time:
I will now be going by the name Bronwyn Joan Douwsma, and will soon update my online presence to reflect this, including my Facebook, Twitter, and this webpage. The URL under my old name will still be active for now, but I’ve already bought a new domain name (bronwynjoan.com) so update your bookmarks, folks.
I’ve already put this in my bio a few months ago, but my pronouns are they/them/theirs. Please use these pronouns when referring to me.
I’m still bisexual but not actively looking for anything at the moment. I’m not seeing anyone, there’s just too much work I still want to do on myself before I’ll feel ready to be involved with anyone. In a way it’s a relief that I don’t have a relationship that would need to be reassessed in light of my transition.
I’m keeping my head shaved because I already lost everything on top years ago; my pattern baldness is extensive enough for it not being likely to come back when I’m on hormones. I’m honestly not sure whether I’m going to even bother with wigs; it just seems like an extra investment of time and money I could do without. Oddly enough, I love the way I look without hair, especially since I also got rid of my beard and eyebrows. There’s something about the completely bald head that actually makes me feel more feminine, especially combined with a little makeup.
I really don’t know how much this is going to shake up my life. I do recognize my privilege as a white person who works for an employer with a nondiscrimination policy and supports for trans and gender diverse employees, and I am lucky that so far the friends and family I’ve already come out to have been very supportive.
I’m at the point in my life where I realize the toll the waiting game takes: it took me 12 years after I first realized I was queer to come out to my parents, and I didn’t want to wait until I was 50 to live openly. For the longest time I was afraid to make waves, but I learned that once you realize an inherent truth about yourself, keeping up a charade for the sake of other people is pretty fucking exhausting, especially if you have to sacrifice your own comfort and happiness in the process.
Here’s to being the happiest possible version of myself. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me privately through my contact page.
