Getting back to it

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Morning view of my walk from the bus stop. I figured it would be a nice picture to look at on the main page.

It’s now a few weeks into the new year, and I’m back at work. Technically, I’m working from home most of the week thanks to Omicron, and going into the office one day a week to take care of matters that aren’t as easily arranged from my apartment. I don’t mind going into the office; even though I agree with the need to keep us home most of the time, I use those days to return library books or run other errands that I can’t do from home. It’s usually straight there, straight home, but when I got my booster last Friday (which was a day off work), I decided to treat myself with a few records, a burrito, and the new Casey Plett book.

I always find it hard to get back into my rhythm when I have a long period away from work, and having my first day “back” be done remotely added to the weirdness this time around. It’s also like that when I come home to the apartment after a trip away of decent length; it takes about a week before I’m fully into my routine. I still haven’t fully unboxed all my Christmas presents that I brought back home with me from Miramichi; it’s like I need to slowly integrate new elements and things into my existing life.

I was very fortunate to be able to visit my family for Christmas this year; the surge in cases and tightened restrictions did have me a little nervous, but the gathering was going to be small either way. It’s usually the just the five of us, plus our assorted cats and dogs. I usually stay inside the house over the visit too; this time it may have been a little more strategic and safety-conscious, but when I visit, it’s usually quite exhausting, between the 4-5 hour car ride each way and the time it takes to adjust to the relative chaos inside the house compared to my apartment.

I don’t mind visiting Miramichi every now and then, but I couldn’t stay there in the long term. I met many people there who I’m still friends with over 20 years later; it would have been nice to visit or meet up had things be a bit safer and more accommodating to large gatherings. I don’t know how I feel about navigating public spaces there as a trans person, though, and it doesn’t help that I feel suffocated when I’ve been up there for more than a few days. A lot of it is because I need considerably more physical space and solitude than my parents’ place allows, but truth is I’ve always felt that way about small towns. I just feel more at home in the city.

I got a few nice reminders of some longtime friendships recently: a letter from Mireille and a video call from Dave. Even though both initiated contact, it reminds me that I need to reach out to people more often, as well as the importance of connecting with people outside of my immediate family. I’ve been thinking about a lot of people lately, some I haven’t talked to in years. I’m still surprised at how many people I’ve known for a while are still in my life, even if it’s just as a social media connection; for some reason, they see something in me that’s worth knowing.

Truth is, I’m getting tired of the pandemic and starting to miss people. I fully understand the need for masking, proof of vaccinations, and (especially) limiting your contacts, but social connection is a need, and the written word only goes so far. I don’t talk on the phone or video chat enough; I know Zoom meetings wear me out, but I think one-on-one would be fine, especially with people I know and are comfortable with.

I wonder if part of this is also due to the fact that I haven’t had enough opportunities to hang out with others in public as myself: I came out publicly a few months after the pandemic started. I post selfies so people (and myself) can track my progress, especially now that I’m on HRT, but I think I need to be interacting with others in the same physical space for it to feel real. It’s not a complete desert here, though; I just tend to let months go by between visits.

I’ve been bad at updating this blog lately; I posted a grand total of four entries in 2021. My writing focus for the last little while has been the SNL reviews, but I get the urge to write every time I see a personal essay or read a good book. As hard as it is to get started, I truly enjoy the process of playing around and trying to find the right words to express whatever though I want to communicate. I’ve also been thinking more about writing things to submit for publication; for a while I felt like I only had a limited number of ideas in me, but there are always things to write about, and I feel things opening up in my mind in a way they haven’t in a long time.

Or maybe I just want to impress a number of people who I think are cool.