A can of beans

I’m in a weird headspace this week, and it’s not one I like.

The weather hasn’t helped. Aside from a handful of (non-consecutive) sunny days, most of the last few weeks have been cold, grey, and occasionally rainy. For some reason I also have trouble getting started on Wednesdays; something happens in my body that makes it harder to get out of bed. I usually spend a lot of time there as soon as I get home anyway; something crashes on multiple fronts late in the afternoon, I end up taking a nap that lasts far too long, and generally can't get much done. I spend more time thinking about getting that glass of water or watching something on Netflix than actually taking the steps to do either. My brain sometimes goes into overdrive with strong emotions or an urge to do something, and yet my body won't do much beyond rolling around and moving my thumbs.

I finally managed to get my blood work done last weekend. I originally wanted to get it done on my day off Friday, but something kept me from going before the clinic closed. It could have been the weather, but I can’t remember. Fortunately the next day was actually sunny and warm, and I made my way to the clinic. I haven’t received the results yet, but I booked an appointment with my doctor; it’s not until after my vacation, though.

Other than that, I just haven’t had the ability to really do much. Even though I had two three day weekends in a row (as well as a three-day work week between both), the first day off usually involved me sleeping off the week, the second day I would leave the house just to do errands, and the third day was recovering from that in time to get back into my work routine. I do things if they’re convenient; if I have to think about extra bus trips or carrying things around, I likely won’t bother. I have enough executive function to go to work and do my job, but as soon as I’m home, it’s gone.

I’ve also been avoiding people in general. I like my coworkers but there are days when I don't really feel up to more than the most minimal of small talk (something I'm not fond of anyway). Halifax hosted the Memorial Cup this year and the downtown had events and live music that week, but the prospect of being in a crowd of very many hockey fans didn’t appeal to me (no offense to the hockey fans I know) so I generally avoided the area. I sometimes time bus trips to make sure I avoid running into certain people.

I don’t really know how to describe it, but even though I have people who are a text or e-mail away, and on some level I recognize they probably would be happy to hear from me, I just can’t bring myself to contact them. Maybe it’s just that I don’t have the words or mental energy or think that interaction is too much work for me to handle. I also have too many imaginary conversations with them in my head, and I think my brain's been fooled into accepting those as the interaction. On some level other people don’t even feel real to me; I see what’s going on in their lives online, but there’s a disconnect between the names and avatars on my phone and the living, breathing people. They may as well be picture of the can of beans in my cupboard or the potato that’s sat too long on top of the fridge. Or maybe I'm the can of beans or potato. I haven't really thought this metaphor through. It always shocks me when people outside my family say they think about me or miss my company.

I’m worried I’m going to waste my trip to Montreal by spending most of my time laying in my hotel room and letting convenience dictate my itinerary, not having enough energy to bother exploring the city or experiencing things I can’t in Halifax. Maybe getting into an unfamiliar space will help get me outside of my head. I hope so.

I don't hate my life; I just wish I could enjoy it more.