Nine Snowboots
Drawing lines
I want to make it clear where I stand so I’m just going to put this up front:
Black lives matter.
Social Distancing Diaries: April 26
I was feeling pretty scattered and drained on Thursday and Friday. Part of it was everything that was going on here and in the world, part of it was the cumulative effect of several nights where I just couldn’t fall asleep quickly, even with the CPAP machine.
Some scattered thoughts
It’s my Wednesday to post again; there are a few more cohesive posts I would like to make later on, but for now, here’s what’s going on in my life.
The mid-January blahs
Two weeks into 2020. I’m exhausted.
It’s not just the news cycle, even if everything about Australia, Iran, Trump, Putin, and the Democratic primaries made these two weeks seem like years in themselves. Winter’s always triggered my depression and this year is no different; it also doesn’t help that I caught a bit of a cold last week.
Life is tiring, part LXXXVIII
My energy has been off for the past little while, and most of my free time usually involves me sleeping or wanting to be back home to sleep. I don’t know whether this is a side effect of my medication, some other underlying medical reason, or just another depressive spell. A lot of the time I don't want to do anything enough to endure the slightest bits of effort they take.
Depressive episodes, self-care, aging, and other fun things
I had a depressive episode last week. I’m doing better now, but it brought back memories of two years ago when this state was more common. I’m not sure what (if anything) triggered it; I’m just going about my business and then all of a sudden I’m in a mood where I’m dreading and consciously minimizing interactions with others. I just hid in my cubicle on Friday, trying to endure the day, and as soon as I got out of work I was in a hurry to get off the Halifax peninsula. I knew I was in no mood to cook, so I stopped off at Mary Brown’s for dinner, and then once I got home I just stayed in bed for most of the weekend.
Sleep or something like it
Not much exciting going on these days; winter still has me mainly seeking warm apartments and minimizing time outside. The last few days brought a snow storm and freezing rain that turned my apartment building’s driveway into an impassable frozen hazard for a few hours, and this morning brought bitterly cold wind. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been so tired in the last little while.
Productivity and powerlessness
I haven’t bothered writing since last Monday; it was a fairly hectic week at work, and I found myself falling asleep for hours as soon as I got home. Whenever I came to and tried to work on something, the cat would decide that she would lie down on my computer keyboard, and by the time she stopped playing that game with me, it would be time to go to bed anyway. Autumn’s adorable and I love her, but she really knows how to push my buttons. I guess that’s the thing about cats.
Back to myself, whatever that means
As expected, I slept the weekend away and didn’t concern myself with getting anything posted while I recovered from whatever it was that was laying me low last week.
Real talk
My brain’s been feeling off again this week. I’m not sure if the trigger is external or internal, but some familiar feelings started to creep back in last night: one minute I’m eating stew I made in the slow cooker, the next I feel emotional heaviness I haven’t felt in a long time.
Darker days
Lately I’ve been less willing to be outside the apartment longer than absolutely necessary. A good part of it is a decreasing tolerance for the small but regular frustrations of bus travel in the city, but I wonder if the colder weather and darker days are getting to me. I wonder how much of it is my usual depression and how much of it is the general melancholy of the season.
Windows
I don't know if it's too soon for another life update; to be honest, I haven't been doing a whole lot since my birthday gathering and starting my new job at the beginning of April. If you don't really go on too many adventures or you stay inside your own head too much, it doesn't really make for interesting blog posts.
Going to NYC again
I didn't mention this in the last entry because I didn't think it really fit the whole topic, but I'm going to New York again at the end of June. It's another weekend trip for Pride with my sisters (just like the last time I went), but I'm going to try to squeeze a bit more exploring into the time I'm there.
The longest month
January still hasn't ended yet, but it feels like ages since the new year began. I'm not sure whether it's the weather (a few storms, but no actual storm days aside from an early close) or something else but time seemed to slow down this month.
Another life update
I want to thank all those who responded to my last post; I haven't been so great at finding the time and brainpower to send my reply to your kind e-mails as of yet, but rest assured that I will sooner or later. (Also, keep them coming! I take a look at my site analytics to see where my traffic comes from, and wonder who's visiting the page.)
Escalitopram
I finally decided to go to a walk-in clinic on November 23rd regarding my depression. This was a step I had been thinking about taking for a little while, but something in me held me back.