A bad case of "not wanting to do anything if I don't absolutely have to"
/Why does January feel like an eternity this year? I know it always seems to drag, but this year it really seems like New Years Day was four months ago instead of four weeks.
I’m functional enough to make it to work and back, and keep any other appointments and obligations, but when it comes to my time off, I just don’t really want to spend what little energy I have doing a damn thing, even if it is something that I enjoy or will make me feel better. Some of it is just decision paralysis: I can’t decide which album or TV show I’m in the mood to hear. Other times I’m aware how late it is, how much sleep I need to get to make it into work the next day, and not wanting to be keyed up before bedtime. When it comes to shopping, I just don’t feel like putting the effort it will take to decide on something to buy (that I’m not particularly excited about) and find a way to lug everything home (or spend the extra money on cab fare.
I’m more tired and unmotivated than anything else, though. On some fundamental level I know what gives me a boost; I just feel like every bit of effort needs to be conserved for the daily routine, and any diversion robs from that.
I had to redo my sleep study; there was an issue with the machine or something. The sleep clinic’s office is in an business park on the other side of the harbour, so it meant I had to take an hour long bus trip from work, both to get the equipment and return it after doing the study. That particular business park is also notoriously unwalkable and pedestrian-unfriendly (the picture on the right is the bus stop near the sleep clinic; note the lack of sidewalk and the snowbank limiting direct access to the parking lot). The bus ride back the second time was particularly bad; being stuck in traffic on a standing-room-only crosstown bus is something I wouldn’t wish on even the most masochistic person I know.
It was nice to get a little bit of daylight, though. Right now I’m trying to see if there are things I can do to boost my serotonin levels, which isn’t always easy given the aforementioned motivation problems, but maybe once we climb out of Endless January I’ll at least be able to put more effort into this.
Today is also a corporate-branded mental health awareness campaign. I have mixed feelings about it; I’m all for openness about mental health and having people share their own stories, because our stories help us feel less alone. There is a bit of a performative aspect of doing it today (particularly when people only discuss these things when the company is giving a minuscule donation for each post branded with their corporate hashtag), though, and I don’t want to give the company any more free advertising (especially given their treatment of their own workers and exacerbating the mental health issues of prisoners in the name of profit). Mental illness is something that has to be talked about more, and not just on heavily advertised social media campaigns. I’m lucky I have a small bit of coverage for therapy through my employer and can afford the up-front payments, but too many can’t . There are considerable barriers to proper care, especially for disadvantaged groups. We just can’t sit by, post online, and hope the telecom company will swoop in and save everyone.
