Dispatches from the pandemic wall

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Writing always requires a certain amount of motivation, even if only for attention.

I hit a bit of a wall in the last little while. I don’t know if it’s the cumulative effect of pandemic fatigue settling in or something else, but it’s been a little harder than usual to get out of bed in the last few months, and I haven’t felt like there was really much to say aside from brief statements of fact that were very similar to the last several I’ve posted. Introspection takes too much energy, and there were other things I wanted to do with my time than just stare open-mouthed at a blank “edit post” window for hours and wonder why I couldn’t come up with anything interesting to write about. Then of course I find someone has written a new blog post, and I’m frustrated that I can’t corral all the swirling thoughts I have into something other people would find worth reading. There are only so many ways to talk about a very narrow set of experiences, though.

My criteria for doing anything, particularly activities beyond going to work, is “do I have to?”, not “do I want to?”, since the answer to the latter is “not especially”. It hit me one day when I had a dentist appointment: there are parts of the city (or in the surrounding area) that I haven’t been to in well over a year; not so much because of COVID and restrictions as just a general lack of drive. Sure, it would be nice to make plans with friends again, but when my executive function's at nil, I’m laying on my bed and the cat’s purring, there’s not much else I'm able to do. I should reach out more, but I’m not going to force it.

Just to be safe, I’ve started an adjunct to my regular depression meds. I had been on 20 mg of escitalopram for almost 3 years now, so my doctor added 150 mg of bupropion XL to the mix. My body is still getting used to the new drug right now, so I’m trying to let myself rest and not worry about whether I got enough done during the day.

I’m still waiting to get on hormones. I got my readiness letter from my therapist last May and contacted my doctor for a referral to an endocrinologist shortly afterward. I still hadn’t heard back by November, so I followed up with my doctor; she couldn’t find a fax confirmation, so she had to re-send the referral then. I just followed up again a few days ago and got a phone number to contact directly regarding potentially getting to see someone as soon as possible. I realize there are waitlists and all, but it’s just frustrating to be in this stasis. My brain sometimes gets stuck on “wait mode”, where it’s very difficult (if not impossible) to get anything done until that specific task, event, or appointment is out of the way, and I think it’s happening on some level here.

Other than that, the transition’s going alright. I’ve updated accounts and documents, and it always gives me a little thrill when people address me as Bronwyn. I haven’t been playing around with looks as much these days, but I like what I see in the mirror when I have a little bit of makeup and a nice outfit on; I’m sure I’ll like it even more once I’m on the hormones and start seeing the changes that ensue. One upside of transitioning during a pandemic is not having to worry about which public bathrooms you're going to use.

For me, the biggest benefit of transition is letting myself be as weird as I want to be. When I presented as male, I always felt like I was trying to fit myself into an acceptable mold and hide the parts of myself that didn’t quite fit in; I ended up feeling like I always had to be on guard about letting my facade slip, and that people I really wanted to connect with couldn’t actually see the real me underneath. Before I started my transition, I wondered whether people were so attached to the version of myself that I would contort myself into that anything different would just be considered play-acting.

I’m not trying to be anything more than the full version of myself.

My birthday’s on Friday; it also happens to be Good Friday, so I get a long weekend to myself (I’m also off Monday). I’ll probably just order something in, buy myself a dessert, and spend the weekend at home. It’s my first birthday as myself, but I don’t really have any idea how to mark that, aside from maybe buying something from my Amazon wishlists. Next year’s more of an milestone birthday anyway (40).

If you want to get me something, I’ve put my wishlists in my Linktree, but I’m more than happy to just get some nice e-mails (you can use the form on my contact page).